Letting Silence Be Silence

Preached on Nov. 27 at Douglas UCC by Rev. Andrew DeBraber, the first of an Advent series titled "Prepare the Way: A Spirituality of Emptiness."

Scripture: Isaiah 64:1-9, Mark 13:24-37

Dale was a tree hugger. He hugged trees and he taught and encouraged others - especially children - to hug trees. He hugged big old maple trees and small birch saplings. He hugged dark, round black walnut trees and smooth, light beech trees. Nose to bark, he could smell the tree’s essence and feel its pulsating energy. Body pushed up against the trunk, he found support in the tree, not only for his leaning body but for his soul.

On one particular tree-hugging day - a day a lot like today, cool and cloudy, Dale prepared to grab hold of a decent-sized red oak. He stepped up close, put his arms gently around the tree, laid his head against the bark, and began to lean into the hug. Suddenly, Dale and the tree were on the ground.

Surprised, shaken, and dirty, Dale slowly righted himself. Looking down, it became clear: this tree, this promising mighty oak, had no roots. It looked fine from the ground up, but that which is unseen, that which is in the dark, that which sustains life, had been neglected. Without roots, the tree toppled easily.

Like, one might say, a Christmas tree. Or a Christmas people without Advent. Advent, these next four weeks, is about paying attention to the darkness, the places that appear to be filled with emptiness. Advent is about preparing the way by making space within our lives, our hearts, our souls, for the in-breaking of the Divine in new and surprising ways.

As a people, we are generally afraid of the dark. When this season rolls around, we put up as much light and glitz as we can. Yet there is a time to embrace the darkness. There is a time to let go of the need for light and noise, a time to let go of all images, if we are to birth authentic images in our lives, work, prayer, and art. For growth of the human person, like the roots of the tree, takes place in the dark. We are first developed in the darkness of the womb. Our bodies and psyches grow in the darkness of sleep. Our organs operate in the darkness of our bodies.

And just as God is Light, God is also Darkness. TS Eliot writes, “I said to my soul, be still, and let the dark come upon you, which shall be the darkness of God.” Drawing on the image of the tree, Rainer Maria Rilke wrote, “Yet no matter how deeply I go down into myself, my God is dark, and like a webbing made of a hundred roots that drink in silence.”

The prophet Isaiah perceives God’s darkness as God having hid from the people. Or could it be that the people are hiding from God? Or looking only in the light, pushing over tree after tree?

A spirituality of emptiness does not mean being empty forever. “To be empty is to be available inside to attend to something other than the self” (Joan Chittister). To be empty is to prepare the way. A spirituality of emptiness asks if there is such a thing as emptiness. Can something ever be truly empty? Or is it only our perception of emptiness? Is is only that we are expecting one thing to be there and thus don’t perceive what is really there?

When we can be still enough and quiet enough, we can begin to let go of what we expect to be there - we can let go of our expectations. I remember once as a child at Christmas opening a bag from my Grandma with a gift in it - I don’t even remember the gift. But I remember after receiving it looking into the bag and voicing something to the effect of “What else is in here?” Only to find it empty. I was, as you can imagine, chastised for my ingratitude, for the bag was not empty, it was filled with what my eyes could not see: a love that cherished and blessed me.

Keep alert, keep awake, Jesus urges in our story from Mark. Both the Markan and Isaiah passages talk of great and noisy goings-on. Those things are happening even now. Apocalypse is happening at the hands of humanity and God is moving in incredible ways. Yet unless we let silence be silence, unless we are willing to delve into the darkness, we will not perceive God at work, we will not hear the creation crying out, we will not make room for God to be born in us again this season.

Keep alert, keep awake, for fresh possibilities for deliverance and human wholeness. Turn off the noise and light that, ironically, puts us to sleep to what is happen right next to us, right below us, right inside us. Keep alert, keep awake, for the Divine is happening.

Very practically, try turning off the radio or television or phone for awhile. Or not turning it on when the impulse strikes. But don’t turn it off just to turn it off. Turn it off to be present to the silence. Focus on your breath. Take some time in nature, which is so silent this time of year. Try reading small bits of poetry or Scripture. Or play with children and animals.

And if we’re really brave, we can join Meister Eckhart, who “prayed God to rid me of God.” Not even our names and symbols for God can go unchecked. We pray even to let go of God. Here, if anywhere, lies ‘sheer abandon.’ Here, if anywhere, stand trees strong enough and rooted enough to wait in silence, to let go of expectations, and to birth the Divine in most amazing ways. Let us attend to the silence, the darkness.

Transgendered Gratitude & the Region Between

Preached at Douglas Congregational United Church of Christ by Rev. Andy DeBraber on Nov. 20, 2011:

Luke 17:11-19

¹¹On the way to Jerusalem Jesus was going through the region between Samaria and Galilee. ¹²As he entered a village, ten lepers approached him. Keeping their distance, ¹³they called out, saying, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!” ¹⁴When he saw them, he said to them, “Go and show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were made clean. ¹⁵Then one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, praising God with a loud voice. ¹⁶He prostrated himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him. And he was a Samaritan. ¹⁷Then Jesus asked, “Were not ten made clean? But the other nine, where are they? ¹⁸Was none of them found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?” ¹⁹Then he said to him, “Get up and go on your way; your faith has made you well.”

In the end, this is a story about the “region between,” even though there is technically no region between Samaria and Galilee. There is only a border. And it is geographically a strange way to get to Jerusalem. But this “region between” is where we find ethnic tensions and outcasts from both sides. This “region between” is where Jesus tends to hang out. This “region between” points us to what the reign of God, reign of Christ, kingdom of God, queendom of God, kin-dom of God looks like: healing, gratitude, wholeness, and a whole new life.

This “region between” is well known to Tracy. She has been working for the past 17 months as a legal assistant in a large firm. She is liked by her co-workers and appreciated by her employers. Having worked in the Peace Corps in Korea, her resume shows fluent Korean language skills. So when one of the company’s clients opened a business in Seoul, S. Korea, Tracy was asked to serve on special assignment for two to three months as translator and legal advisor while the business was being set up.

She gladly agreed, until she remembered her passport, which shows her and identifies her as a man. How would she get into the country as a man and still be a woman with her coworkers and client? Hear her words:

“Here I am with a South Korean visa in one hand and a plane ticket in the other. I'm really puzzled as to how I'm going to get through customs/immigration, but I have a plan. I had to submit a photograph of me along with my visa application, and did myself up as a man quite well. The photos matched close enough, and I only had to practice my male signature a few times to get it right.

However, a photograph passing, and a living breathing (and potentially nervous) person passing are two TOTALLY different things. I've been practicing in preparation for the big day, and have a few tips on "reverse passing" as I'll call it.

First, anatomically there is the problem of the "units" attached to my chest (she had breast augmentation surgery and wears a 34C). That shouldn't be too much of a problem. I’ll just buy a very tight joggin bra and wear a really loose sweatshirt on the plane (corporate types don't care what you wear on a 14 hour flight).

Second, hair can be pulled into a tail and worn in a hat. Shouldn't be too much of a problem, besides, many men have ponytails these days. The biggest problem there would be the cut and style difference from the passport to the "actual head". Again, easily explained.

Third is the removal of all makeup and traces of ANYTHING. One thing I have been doing is wearing only one earring when "reverse passing", and then it is a simple gold hoop. If I let my whiskers grow for about 3 days, I look like an adolescent teenager with a light beard. With the singular earring the effect is pretty good.

In order to be ready for this experiment, Tracy decided to practice by purchasing wine and beer in the local supermarket as a man so that she would get carded and have to show her driver’s license, which pictures her as a man:

The first time I went to buy coolers as a man since living as a woman, I accidentally took my purse in. WHOOPS!!!! I didn't realize what I had done until I had gotten to the checkstand and had to actually take out my license. I had it in a Dooney-Burke billfold (very feminine looking) in my matching purse. I was so nervous I'd be "read backwards" (this does get a bit confusing) that I dropped my license on the floor. As I bent down to pick it up, I thought I saw the check-out boy look down my shirt and see my breasts. I could have died! I tried to regroup and just handed it to him with a $20. That's when I looked down and saw my well manicured nails. Luckily I only wear clear enamel, but no man I know of has nails this pretty! The checker gave me a quizzical look, but I rationalized that off as being an old ID. He didn't say anything, but I was so paranoid I was sure that he knew.

I hurriedly took my change and ID and stuffed them in my purse. I took the coolers, and BRISKLY walked out to my car. All the way out the door and to my car, I imagined a hand grabbing me on my shoulder and asking me to come back into the store for a "little chat." I got to my car and threw myself inside. My head was spinning, my heart was pounding, and I was nearly out of breath! I just sat in my car laughing/crying at myself for being so stupid! I am usually so methodical and plan things out, but I just got lazy and didn't think before actually going to the store.

The hand grabbing me on the shoulder, the “little chat”: these are constant concerns to those of us who are transgender, for whom there is no correct restroom to us and no way to simple check the boxes that ask “female or male.”

That’s not the end of Tracy’s story. She plans to have transitional surgery when she’s saved up the money. Being transgendered in any way, shape, or form - and there are many - means living in the “region between.”

Technically, the definition of transgender includes:

• people whose identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender roles, but combines or moves between these.
• People who were assigned a sex, usually at birth and based on their genitals, but who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves.
• Non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the sex (and assumed gender) one was assigned at birth.

The other nine lepers, presuming they were Jewish, could upon being inspected and washed by the priest go back to some former life, family, and community they knew. The Samaritan leper who was healed and returned with gratitude to Jesus and praise for God could not return to this same community. A Samaritan in Israel was a foreigner and an outcast, even without the leprosy. It is this one who found in Jesus not a way back to an old life, but a whole new life of welcoming the stranger and the outcast. This one was made well, made whole.

So, too, Tracy cannot go back to her old life. She is overjoyed - even with its many complications - to be finally living the life her heart and soul have known she was meant to live all along. She gives thanks daily in English and Korean. She is one of the strong and courageous ones to fight against a world whose circumstances are set up against her. Even as we remember and learn from her story, we remember on this Transgender Day of Remembrance the stories of so many transgender sisters and brothers who have been killed because they dared to live in the “region between” by people who did not perceive the incredible gift they are to humanity, by people who choice violence as a response to fear and difference rather than compassion, curiosity, and understanding.

Tracy makes it through each day by practicing a gratitude born out of trial. She could so easily choose to see the world through eyes of hostility. Yet she chooses instead to go to bed each night and wake up each morning by listing three things for which she’s grateful. A 2003 study by Robert Emmons & Michael McCullough shows the immense benefits of keeping a gratitude log and seeing the world with thanksgiving. Those who listed five things a day they were grateful for were compared to those who wrote down five complaints or hassles and those who wrote down five events that happened during the day. The gratitude listers exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week; they were more likely to have made progress toward important personal goals (academic, interpersonal and health-based) and had higher levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy, and slept better. In fact, MJ Ryan, author of Attitudes of Gratitude, estimates that the effects of practicing gratitude add 6.9 years to life, greater than the effects of stopping smoking or exercising.

Neurobiologically, gratitude is felt in the same frontal regions of the brain that are activated by awe, wonder and transcendence. From these cortical and limbic structures come dopamine and serotonin, the chemicals for feeling good inside. Specifically, when we think positive thoughts such as gratitude, kindness, and optimism, we activate our left pre-frontal cortex and flood our bodies with the feel-good hormones, which give us an upswing in mood in the short term and strengthen our immune system in the long run.

So let’s give ourselves and others the gifts of gratitude. Let’s extend Thanksgiving for at least a month. Let’s be not only healed, but made well, made whole. Make a game of it if you need to: what can I find to be thankful about even in this most trying of situations? what can I find to be thankful about in this difficult relative of mine? How can I dwell in the “region between,” full of new life and positive transformation? May this practice bring us more in tune with the Divine and the reign of the Spirit in the world.

Candled Concentration

Preached by Rev. Andy DeBraber at Douglas Congregational United Church of Christ on Nov. 6, 2011:

I Corinthians 9:19-27

19 For though I am free with respect to all, I have made myself a slave to all, so that I might win more of them. ²⁰To the Jews I became as a Jew, in order to win Jews. To those under the law I became as one under the law (though I myself am not under the law) so that I might win those under the law. ²¹To those outside the law I became as one outside the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law) so that I might win those outside the law. ²²To the weak I became weak, so that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people, so that I might by any means save some. ²³I do it all for the sake of the gospel, so that I may share in its blessings.

24 Do you not know that in a race the runners all compete, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win it. ²⁵Athletes exercise self-control in all things; they do it to receive a perishable garland, but we an imperishable one. ²⁶So I do not run aimlessly, nor do I box as though beating the air; ²⁷but I punish my body and enslave it, so that after proclaiming to others I myself should not be disqualified.

Today is your lucky day! You have come to the right place. Because here’s what we have to offer you: the secret key to a whole world of possibilities. You can have a clearer mind, less stress, more serenity, and a better ability to cope with tasks. You can have greater peace of mind, greater inner strength, greater will power, greater self-confidence, and better functioning in daily life.

You will be able to make your mind work for you when you need its services. You will be able to silence it when its services are not needed. Things, circumstances and events that used to agitate and anger you will not influence your inner calmness. You will experience happiness, contentment, and satisfaction. You will be more conscious of the choices being made in life, more self-determined than one’s life being determined by other forces. You will be able to attain your life goals, your “Bucket List,” if you will.

And all of this for just $69.99! No, despite all of that, I’m not trying to sell you something. However, there is of course a catch: you must tame the monkey - the monkey mind, that is. The one that wants to jump quickly from place to place to place, from one activity to another. The good news is that the monkey can be tamed.

In fact, we have all done it at times in the experience of what is called “flow”: those moments when we are so into doing something that nothing else matters. This usually happens when we are doing something we love. The rest of the world seems to stand still. Time does not exist. An hour might as well be five minutes. We are filled with energy. We give no thought to the lists of other things that must be done.

In those moments, our attention is hyper-focused, our concentration complete. We feel fully alive. The idea of today’s message, “Concentrating our Energy,” is that we can live this kind of life more often. The affirmation in the children’s curriculum is “I give full attention to everything I do.”

Paul writes to the Corinthians about exercising self-control, running the race to win it, enslaving the body. While that language may sound a bit harsh, he’s inviting us to channel our energy into what we really want to accomplish in life. We are not only our bodies. We are not only our minds. We are the ones who exercise self-control and can point our bodies and minds in the direction we want to go and keep them going in that direction even as they will naturally want to wander off, like Barnabas the monkey.

The concentration necessary for such self-control is like a magnifying glass on a sunny summer day: it takes the parallel rays of the sun, which might warm a piece of paper, and focuses them intensely in one spot, enough to burn that same piece of paper. Sometimes, the paper will even burst into flames. With concentration, we can burn with a particular passion, shutting out all negative and destructive thoughts. With concentration, our focused attention allows new insights to burst onto the scene.

We can train our minds to concentrate better, a skill so necessary in an increasingly fragmented world where so much calls for our attention at the same time: we have three windows open on the computer doing our email, banking, and facebook, when the cell phone rings followed by the landline ringing. Recent studies say we were not physiologically made for this. And learning to concentrate can help immensely.

The key to developing concentration is effort. It’s the effort to pay close attention, to keep coming back. Usually the energies of the mind are scattered in a thousand different directions. The mind is all over the place, and its energy is simply frittered away in random thoughts and desires, hopes, fears, feelings.

As concentration deepens, our minds become calm and centered. We’re less reactive. We come into greater emotional balance. We can more easily let go and let things be. The mind gains a spaciousness which gives room for pain and anger and fear all to arise and pass, without our being broken by them, or needing to act them out.

The choice is ours, to be a slave to the mind and its whims, or to be its master. Mind loves its freedom more than anything else, and will try to stand in the way of concentration whenever it can. The drift of thoughts that occurs in our minds is not necessarily a bad thing nor a disorderly one; it is the relaxed condition of mind, and we can use it for resting when we are mentally tired, as we do each night while dreaming.

In much of everyday life, most people are effectively day-dreaming - at worst we are sleep-walking automatons. Our minds flip mechanically from one thing to another, never resting on anything for very long or intentionally. Unless we can wake ourselves from this mechanicalness and sleep, we cannot begin work on ourselves and we cannot get things done in life.

As we are able to concentrate more, the subconscious mind will be less able to affect us. Really, only the ‘sleeper’ is affected by the subconscious mind. When we wake up, we are free of it. For instance, if you concentrate on a book, you are aware of the book and you are not thinking, looking, or listening to anything else. You are aware of the associations; in fact, you are more aware, but you are not distracted by them.

A person with good powers of concentration can shift their attention from point to point and return at will to the original center. A person with poor concentration wanders to distant matters: golf, income tax statement, the attractive person nearby, or anything at all. One disconnected thought leads to another, and in a little while this individual forgets what he or she was originally considering.

Concentration is a means to live life purposely and creatively rather than as a reaction to the flow of sensations, causatively rather than at effect. Our ability to pursue chosen goals irrespective of obstacles placed in our path is one measure of our freedom from slavery to the monkey.

Concentration is like a muscle, the more we exercise the stronger it becomes. We must engage in training. I have three practical skills for us today:

1. STOP!!!

which sounds very simple, but it works. When you notice your thoughts wandering, say to yourself STOP and then gently bring your attention back to where you want it to be. Each time it wanders bring it back. To begin with, this could be several times a minute. But each time, say STOP and then re-focus. Don't waste energy trying to keep thoughts out of your mind (forbidden thoughts attract like a magnet!), just put the effort into STOP and re-focus. To begin with you will do this hundreds of times a week. But you will find that the period of time between your straying thoughts gets a little longer each day, so be patient and keep at it.

2. Worry time

Set aside one or more specific periods in the day when you are allowed to worry. It can help to set them just before something that you know you will do, to ensure that you stop worrying on time - e.g. before a favorite TV show or a meal-time. Whenever an anxiety or distracting thought enters your mind during the day, banish it until your next worry time, and re-focus on what you are supposed to be doing. Some people find it helpful to write down the banished thought: it is easier to banish a thought if you are sure you won't have forgotten it when you get to your worry time. It is important that you keep your worry time(s), and make yourself worry for the full time. If you find that you can't fill the time available, then make a conscious decision to reduce it. You may notice, particularly if you keep a list, that certain things keep reappearing: this is a fairly clear indication that you need to do something about them.

3. Candle Concentration (I had people practice this at the beginning of the service and then referenced it here.

1. In this exercise, we will use the candle, although you can adapt the exercise to whatever object you are using. Sit with your back straight, and place the burning candle at eye level.
2. First bring your awareness to your breath. Gradually your breath becomes slower and more relaxed. Try to imagine a thread placed in front of our nose; you are breathing so quietly it will not move to and fro.
3. Now we look at the object. Gradually bring your attention to a tiny part of the candle flame, for example, the very tip of the flame.
4. When you breathe in, feel that your breath, like a golden thread, is coming from that point on the candle and entering into your heart. And when you breath out, feel that your breath, feel that the light is leaving the heart, passing through a point in your forehead between the eyebrows and a little above (in Eastern philosophy this is a powerful concentration point) and then entering into the object of concentration. Try to feel that nothing else exists except you and the object you are focusing on.
5. When you do this exercise, thoughts will invariably get in the way. When this happens, don’t be annoyed or upset, just bring your attention back to the exercise. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and similarly it will take time to rein in your mind.

After a couple weeks of this practice - first two or three minutes a day, then five, maybe increasing to 10 or 15 minutes, you should notice the progress -- a clearer mind, better ability to cope with tasks, less stress, more serenity. May it be so. Amen.